If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
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It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.