Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.