[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
My what?
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs