GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
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Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Best spot.. 😅
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.