[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
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dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
oh my god
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.