To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.