The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
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I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I finally found a reason to live again.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
moms in horror movies
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it