my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral