I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
You Might Also Like
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
😬
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
We need to put an American base on the sun
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.