ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
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friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues