Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
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Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Breaking news:
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Meanwhile in Portland…
every single time
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
tis the season
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village