Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
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I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.