Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
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Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??