My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
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As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
thinking about a very short hotdog
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y