selfie game
You Might Also Like
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
(Gaming support cat.)
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
mumsnet is amazing
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.