[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Boating season is upon us.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.