I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
the Monday after daylight savings
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.