Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
You Might Also Like
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
whenever i wake up before my alarm
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No