don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.