People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
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Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
eggs benadryl
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
need a new bf mines broken 😐
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.