just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
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Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
All food is good if you spell it wrong
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”