Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
You Might Also Like
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Florida man
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]