“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
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And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.