“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
You Might Also Like
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
this is the best interaction on twitter
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”