🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
You Might Also Like
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin