My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
road rage
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.