[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
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When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
He wanted to make sure😂