I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward