This week’s mood.
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I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
They must have gotten it to go.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!