Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate