Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
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My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪