haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
You Might Also Like
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
me as a parent
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.