My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
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As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
No YOUR a grammar nazi!