*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
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“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”