If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.