Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*