“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
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WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Tell the colonel to bring it
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
the chicken was already gone when I got here