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[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
plant them where lol
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.