*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
You Might Also Like
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Do not steal food from the science building!
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.