Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
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I’m not alone. I have ants.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here