Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
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Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*