Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
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“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.