people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
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I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.