*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
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THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.