Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
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I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
that de-escalated quickly
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer: