[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.