ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
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[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Bike for sale
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.