When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
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🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting