Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
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I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”