TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
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GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I falcon love using swear birds
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
HELP 😭
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem