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I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
oh u like geography? name every lake
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.